Just sharing some notes I took in a very interesting leadership cultivation session about active listening together with some other previous notes I had.
Active Listening is something most of us have heard about many times. And Active Listening is something most of us have not heard about enough times.
Just food for thought.
Note 1. ON presence.
I once read someone saying they’d spent time with a lama, and what blew their mind was how the lama was 100% present in the conversation. They couldn’t remember what they talked about or what the lama answered, but they remembered that full presence, and that alone made them really want to talk with him again. About no matter what.
Note 2. On Dialogue
“The heart of dialogue is a simple but profound capacity to listen. Listening requires we not only hear the words, but also embrace, accept, and gradually let go of our own inner clamoring. As we explore it, we discover that listening is an expansive activity. It gives us a way to perceive more directly the ways we participate in the world around us.
This means listening not only to others but also to ourselves and our own reactions. Recently a manager in a program I was leading told me, ‘You know, I have always prepared myself to speak. But I have never prepared myself to listen.’ This is, I have found, a common condition. For listening, a subject we often take for granted, is actually very hard to do, and we are rarely prepared for it.”
– William Isaacs, Dialogue
Note 2B. On Dialogue
Dialogue comes from Greek διάλογος (diálogos), formed from διά (diá = “through, across, between”) and λόγος (lógos = “word, speech, reason”). So the basic idea is “speech/meaning going through (between) people,” which fits the sense of a structured conversation between two or more participants.
Note 3. A bullet list of listening skills.
I see the skills in this pic as steps you need to go through to say you’ve listened actively. Like a bulleted list to check while talking with someone until you build the listening muscle.
Note 4. Open vs Closed Questions
What are closed and open questions?
Closed questions
- Limit how the other person can respond.
- Examples:
- “Do you want to answer that question with a survey or with user interviews?”
- “Are you OK with this new process we’re putting in place?”
- “Have you thought about doing it this way?”
Open questions
- Expand the set of possible responses.
- Examples:
- “What approach could you take to answer that question?”
- “What would your ideal process look like?”
- “What are some ways you could approach the problem?”
Yes, but.
It’s not only the delivery, but the intention behind the delivery. I hate when someone checks the list of ‘open question’ in a conversation with me, with no real interest in understanding my perspectives. On the other hand, a closed question can be accompanied by genuine interest in understanding perspectives beyond a simple yes-or-no. And you perceive it.
Note 5. Some exercises to practice
Active listening is a muscle. How to practice it? With some repetitions of easy exercises. Like going to the gym.
- Memorize last thing that each person in your meetings said.
- Talk less. Try to talk at most 20% of the time
- Wait 3 full seconds before responding to give space to the other ro finish.
- Take notes. Paper notes if possible.
- Formulate questions. Honest open questions
Note 6. On LOng term relationships and communication.
One of my fav. quotes of all times.
“Once he traveled to a village to purchase a large rice harvest, but when he arrived the rice had already been sold to another tradesman. Nevertheless, Siddhartha remained in this village for several days; he arranged a feast for the peasants, distributed copper coins among their children, helped celebrate a marriage, and returned from his trip in the best of spirits.
Kamaswami reproached him for not having returned home at once, saying he had wasted money and time.
Siddhartha answered, “Do not scold me, dear friend! Never has anything been achieved by scolding. If there are losses, let me bear them. I am very pleased with this journey I made the acquaintance of many different people, a Brahmin befriended me, children rode on my knees, peasants showed me their fields, and no one took me for a tradesman.”
“How very lovely!” Kamaswami cried out indignantly. “But in fact a tradesman is just what you are! Or did you undertake this journey solely for your own pleasure?”
“Certainly.” Siddhartha laughed. “Certainly I undertook the journey for my pleasure. Why else? I got to know new people and regions, enjoyed kindness and trust, found friendship. You see, dear friend, had I been Kamaswami, I’d have hurried home in bad spirits the moment I saw my purchase foiled, and indeed money and time would have been lost. But by staying on as I did, I had some agreeable days, learned things, and enjoyed pleasures, harming neither myself nor others with haste and bad spirits. And if ever I should return to this place, perhaps to buy some future harvest or for whatever other purpose, I shall be greeted happily and in friendship by friendly people and I shall praise myself for not having displayed haste and displeasure on my first visit. So be content, friend, and do not harm yourself by scolding! When the day arrives when you see that this Siddhartha is bringing you harm, just say the word and Siddhartha will be on his way. But until that day, let us be satisfied with each other.”― Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha
Nothing to do with leadership and active listening? I think this text contains the idea of active listening in itself. You genuinely listen when you choose to enjoy kindness and trust, and to look for connections and friendship, and you’re not hurried to get results. When this happens people on the other side really understand you can be trusted and you listen to what they have to say. And the choose to do the same as a kind of sympathetic reaction. And Magic happens.
Note 7. On Curiosity
So, in the end it’s not about force yourself to work with open questions, not about tolerate others’ thoughts. Not about respect them. It’s about having genuine curiosity…
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